If you don’t know where you belong but have a sense of
belonging, as I do, then is that enough of a place? I’m sometimes lost and
looking for a community while all around it seems that there are people I know
with families and children and grandchildren or if not that then places they
visit with friends and stay a while. Then there’s me. Working. Sometimes saying
I’m a working fool. But what I mean depends upon the day and how many stories I
hear from all these people that are in different orbits than me.
I sometimes feel as if I am spinning around my small life
and everyone else is having a larger life. Relaxing more, communing more. All
the things I long for and don’t seem to have in abundance. I could feel as if I
did a bad job of making a life but the truth is different. Well, that’s the
thing about truth, it is always different. It’s always different and it is what
it is.
I might feel as if everyone owns gravity and I’m just free
floating. I have a friend that sees me this way. I think she does. Here I am
free as can be and there she is saddled with her life and not feeling free.
Now, I find that funny in a bittersweet kind of way because I see her as having
a very full life; filled with people, children, relatives and friends too.
Community involvement. Accomplishments in all important areas. She’s a great
parent. I see her as belonging. And sometimes I see myself as someone that
bounces against the earth’s atmosphere trying to get in. But then again, there
are days I feel so much a part of everyone and everything, that my heart is
full and joy wells up inside of me. I hardly know what to do with this sense of
fullness.
Why there are days that I feel so empty and alone; so out of
it; and questioning why this and why that, I don’t know. How do some of the
people I know manage to find so many spaces in their lives for great community
activities and belonging? I have always been aware of the word ‘longing’ in
belonging. A lot more than I’d wish. But then I have also felt belonging and I
can hear in my friends that have all these places to go to and family and
community the same things I feel on those days I feel alone. It is a strange
thing and a wonder to me.
Right now everything is good. I went through several layers
of regret and envy and come to this moment where I feel perfect. I feel held by
the world. I am even smiling at how often I get caught up in feeling that it’s
a bit grandiose to say I feel held by the world but if I said I feel as though
I belong to the earth that would also sound quite grand. And what I really mean
is that I feel so lucky to have this feeling and to be safe here in the screen
house hanging with Molly and writing this and knowing that as much as these
friends of mine aren’t a deep and integrated part of my life as I used to wish
for when I wished for community, they are that too. They are a part of my wider
community. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. wrote
about karass and granfalloon. Sometimes the same people can be both in your
karass, your intimate soul community and they might sometimes also fit into
your granfalloon or the group that you belong to.
On the days or in the hours I might feel alone I’ll find
myself wondering if it’s because of choices I made; choices about how to relate
to people and family. Or if I was not given instructions on how to create and
hold the structure of family. More often than not I have found myself trying to
reenter the earth’s atmosphere after realizing that the search for my karass
was really closer to my home than I realized. Whether it was a happy accident or not, I had
a home. A solid community too. Not as
large as many I know but real. The truth, ever true but always evolving, is
that deep connections, soul friends or family relationships are always
evolving.
If you were the person in charge of keeping the planets and
stars in relationship to each other; dealing with forces like solar winds,
gravity, magnetic pulls and stellar winds, can you imagine the magnificent
talents it would take to keep everything in orbit and keeping a safe but
relational distance?
What we bring from our adventures with people and places,
from the changing landscapes of our relationships and the unfamiliar places in
our heart that, when we are brought to them, and remember that we were there once
before, is a sense of connection. Some people I’m fortunate enough to know, and
they are in my karass, bring me a real and live sense of what it’s like to feel
belonging. To have your self and your sense of life deepened and heightened by
these encounters is joy. It’s love. It’s a sweetness that touches you in all
the spaces that felt empty. Today was quite a journey. It’s quite possible
every day is a journey and I’m just not aware of the itinerary. But today was
something special for me because I came home in several ways. When the world
unfolds itself so that you can see all the layers and be a part of so many
different places; and belong to all of them and recognize that they are always
there but not all the time, that is treasure. That’s the pirate treasure I
wanted as a kid. I still don’t have the map leading me there. But some of the
elements that I know how to gather or become a part of help point me in the
right direction. At least every now and then.
More about resilience is available at the wild blue on Kindle at http://amzn.to/13RKQ2i.
The mythical journey of the modern Odysseus is found at Conversations with Nic available at http://amzn.to/14jUNUs.
